greetings from the vikingmaiden
im not going to apologize for not writing. im sick of doing that, so im not.
every once in a while i like to talk a walk-- a walk down "memory lane." i pull out my pictures or my yearbooks or something and just look through. it gives me a chance to see where i was and where i am going. it gives me a better grasp of the whole of my life. sometimes i lose perspective. im stuck in the here and now way too much.
do you guys look at your senior yearbooks often? you remember how... scared we were? not so much scared but aprehensive? i remember just wondering what college would be like and how i would adjust. i remember having plans like making chocolate chip cookies and just eating the dough. i remember planning on being the best student ever, living in the library. well those of you who know me know that the second was an absolutely absurd place to see myself. but i didnt know then what college would be like. to be honest most college students i met during high school sorta scared me. i always felt that they knew so much more than i and thought less of me. maybe that was the case... and maybe i was wrong.
so i read what everyone had to say about me in my yearbook. i thought of the things that i would have liked to do in high school and never felt comfortable, like student senate or yearbook. i wish i had gotten to know more people better... i wish i had gotten to know everyone better. yet i dont think its human to let people get to know you without a lot of effort on their part, and i also dont think its human to realize how important it is to develop meaningful relationships throughout our lives or to see the chance when we have it. and i read things that i would not have changed. the europe trip, my close group of friends (i love you girls!), and i read to some extent what people thought of me. that i was loud, but always happy. i never thought about being remembered for being happy. i mean happiness can be so shallow, the more i think about it, im glad that people know that they can come to me if they want some sunshine in their lives.
im not sure how strong the sunshine has been lately, but its hard to evaluate the here and now. lyndsey says i scare her cuz im never depressed. the funny thing is, ive been most depressed here. not all the time. just at one point last semester when i realized i was drifting from my friends at home. not so much drifting, but i knew that i wasnt able to talk to them every day and they couldnt encourage me like they do so well, and at the same time i didnt have new friends here who could encourage me like i needed it. that was a hard time for me. the transition. it kinda surprised me since everyone was talking about homesickness and i wasnt that, but i was lost without the kind of relationships that i was so blessed with in high school. now thats changed. ive made some really great friends here and im excited with the possibilities i have here. i think thats another thing that sorta wore off... excitement for college. it became old hat faster than i would have thought. i sorta stopped becoming excited about being at college (except for break when i was excited to go back). yet, i think that excitement is something that we always need in our lives because without it, our lives will get stuck in a rut.
i think we need to carefully perserve that excitement in our spiritual walks and im gonna be honest here: its soo hard! i keep drifting, drifting, and drifting. i cant blame it on more distractions, i cant blame it on other people, its my own fault. you know, im so grateful for a God who gives us wake up calls when we become too comfortable. if He didnt give us these wake up calls im afraid of where i would be right now. you know what else is amazing? He never goes away. i operate on something like this: out of sight out of mind, out of mind out of existance. this is not to say if i dont see you, you dont exist, but if i dont think of you now and then, then i dont believe that you can truely be existing. take for example jane doe in maine... sure she exists but do i see her? no. do i think of her (besides now)? no. does she exist? well yes, but not for me. i dont have a relationship with her and what happens to her well it wont affect me (according to my limited perspective). you guys kinda see what i mean? so sometimes when im sick of feeling guilty about not relying on God for everything, i try pushing Him out of sight, out of mind, and i try to push Him out of existance (for me). BUT IT DOESNT WORK! and i am SO GRATEFUL that it doesnt work!!!! God doesnt depend on me at all for anything. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the furture, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:35, 37-39). Thanks be to God.
laura, you are such an encouragement!!!!! thanks for writing this, and yes, i got your email!!! i was just reading my journal today (trip down memory lane;) and i am consistently blown away by the things i wrote! especially about college. i now know with confidence that messiah wasn't the right place for me, and i thank God for the experience i had there. well, anyway, it is very revealing to read back in one's journal...i know exactly how you feel. i've been drifting from that old "camp spirit" ever since october, but i know God keeps beckoning for me to return. i have started reading my bible *amazing* i know, and he's been teaching me a lot...so yeah, i know where you're coming from!!!!!
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